Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Blow-out



It's Tuesday, confession day. And I've got a load to share. Can you say crap as in baby poop? In July after a major blow-out, my daughter tells me she's pregnant. It's been almost two months since I she dropped that load in my lap and I'm still reeling. Oh, I've put on the brave front ( much better than Dear Daughter
has) and I've run head-on into this night- I mean new adventure with full gusto. I've been reading up on diaper options, mother support groups, housing possibilities and birthing books. I found DD a midwife duo for the birth, and I'm feeding her (because she has yet to fully grasp how important it is that she inhales everything her baby needs).

Still, at times I want to throw my own tantrum, screaming, “I don't wanna do this!” Unlike many women my age, there was no risk of empty-nester syndrome in this house. When DD graduated, I was smiling broadly, thinking just a couple of years of college support and I'm outta here. There's an Airstream waiting for me.

Instead, I'm agonizing over All-In-One or All-In-Two diapers! I'm trying to remain calm and supportive while I explain to my child why two bowls of cereal is not enough food eaten when it's four o'clock in the afternoon. And I'm walking a tight rope not to voice the truth about a father-to-be who is not emotionally and mentally capable of parenting a child. The boy child is carrying a lot of baggage that my daughter's love is not going to wash away clean. Not gonna happen but I can't say that. I didn't listen when I married my hopeless boy love at eighteen. Couldn't tell me he was dysfunctional. My parents were wrong. They didn't know him. They did.

In the meantime, DD is avoiding all male figures out of shame. She's not living with me because she completely nutted up when she blew out of here. She is too proud and full of guilt to admit she was wrong. She's an immature child who can't make amends. I want to shake her sometimes and tell her she has to grow up. It's all about the baby, her feelings be damn. Suck it up and come home.

DH says hang in there. He' says I'm doing a good job and of course we'll help the child. But he boils everytime she comes home. He retreats when he can, and is kind and supportive when he can't avoid her. I get the backlash later: the brooding, the complaining followed by, “It's fine. I'll deal with my feelings. We have to do right by the baby.” Freakin' fantastic. DD does a similar dance when she sees my husband. And her dad, upon hearing the baby news, said uncermoniously that he'd keep her on his insurance but he's raised his kids. Later he asked for his house key back. Assjack.

Well, there you have it, a stinking hot mess. Anybody got a wipe?

7 comments:

  1. Give me your address - I'll send you all the wipes you need! Seriously, it is a serious issue - and a hard one to give advice on as every situation is different. The hardest thing is one's wisdom/advice not being received in the spirit given. You are a strong woman - much has been placed upon your shoulders.

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  2. You keep hoping that beeping sound of the backing-up dump truck isn't aimed square at your driveway, right at your freshly washed convertible... but nope. It backs into that gleaming fender, right over the trunk, then scrapes away, then the load falls.

    If it's any consolation... well, it's not. I won't pretend. At least you know how to express yourself and aren't stuck in a voiceless rage all the time. That would suck even worse, if possible.

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  3. I was here early this morning and tried to comment, but my comp locked up, so I'm back. I wish had magical words of wisdom that would help, and I so hear you about the Airstream, but we know what they say about the best laid plans. One thing does occur to me, though....it's just possible that this grandchild will bless you in ways you never dreamed of.

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  4. LaTonya, even when you put mustard on it, it's still a shit sandwich right now. I can't do empathy because I've not been in your shoes, but love? THAT I can throw your way. I did have a boomerang child, but she is out busy conquering the world. Truth? Time will tell. I agree your ex is a total douche canoe for wanting keys back. Family is family, and even if Riley changes her mind, I'll be the first one in line to diaper, but it sounds like DD is not up to this whole deal, which means you are doubly in my prayers.

    Thanks for trusting us with this truth. I love your honesty. Amy

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  5. Thanks all. It is crap but M, nailed it. I write. I have this space. I have you. I survived me. I know I'll get to the other side of this.

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  6. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger; I believe this. You are strong, and things happen for a reason. Even when we don't know what that is, we grow and learn from everything that happens to us. Bless you for being there, and I am glad she came to you instead of shutting you out.

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  7. I love your honesty LaTonya. My daughter is only five so I haven't experienced any major drama, drama sure but not life changing drama not the kind drama you are and your family are experiencing. I will be the first to admit that teenagers scare me and I am scared of having an adolescent. I wasn't an ordinary teenager so I am extremely unprepared for that stage of life. When I was in love with the bad boy my mom told me how she felt about him honestly but did not forbid me from seeing him. I figured out soon enough he was bad news and when I confessed everything to her and told her I never wanted to hear from me she made sure I never did even though he was extremely obsessive. She trusted me but she didn't trust him that made a really big difference to me somehow. I am sending you positive vibes!

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