Monday, August 5, 2013

You wanna what, on our first date?!


Posting early. Not sure how I'll feel in the morning or afterwards. Hope you participate.

It's Tuesday, people. Let me warn the delicate-natured folk, the following contains some language that may be graphic and crude. Confession: I'm a lousy patient.

As some of you know, I've had some recent health concerns, and my doctors are being thorough about finding the causes and how to remedy my compromised health. They're so thorough, that tomorrow I will have the pleasure of a back entry reaming without a kiss first. Before I tell you about my colonoscopy prep, let me share what has gone on before.

In previous weeks, my doctor raised concern about my white blood cell count. He sent me to a hematologist. Consult went well. I liked the doctor. I like my doctor. We have great rapport. I particularly like my primary doctor because we share a lot in common. We're the same age, we work out at the same gym and he's a sport doctor. I like Dr. Williams because he's committed to his own health and Mister raved about him and Mister likes very few people. When I got tired of waiting months to see my OB/GYN, I thought I'd try Mister's doctor. Been with him over a decade now.

Back to staff and why I'm a lousy patient. When I interact with the staff, who are friendly and professional, there's no history, no chemistry. It's, “Ms. Baldwin please do this or do that.” I, in turn, am typically equally impersonal and civil, and I will say no to things that are routine but not paramount for my current visit such stepping on the scale, (“I weigh....) or in the case of the nurse who asked for the umpteenth time during my last admission to draw blood at midnight, I refused. She caught herself from being incredulous, “Are you refusing to give blood?” Without hesitation, I replied, “Yes.” I turned over signaling I was going back to sleep. They had drawn blood six hours earlier. What could possibly be different? Nothing. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

So the reaming. Prep includes a liquid diet. This is wrong with a capital 'W.' A girl likes to eat and telling me to fast is just wrong. Then there is drinking twelve gallons of water. I'm a camel. I don't regularly do water so now my cackles are up. Mister is frustrated and fussing. I sulk and acquiesce. Last, there's this gawd awful crap they want me to mix and drink with another gallon of water. This is followed by sitting on the toilet ten to fifteen times afterward before retiring to bed without even water after midnight until my procedure in the morning. For real?

Oh but there's more. The procedure entails weaving an eight-foot wire with a camera attached through my intestines. You know the entry point, right? So forgive me if I'm not Suzie Sunshine at 7AM when they lube me up.

How about you? Are you the model patient or are you the crotchety woman everyone strains to smile at when they see you come in?

Drop a link to your confession or comment in the section below.

12 comments:

  1. oh my....heh....you should be able to get a poem out of that...bukowski has a colonoscopy poem...i tried to find it real quick but couldnt...i will though...maybe after...that might make you feel better...after....geez...um hope it all goes well...cringing....

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  2. I'm the same in a sense when it comes to poking and prodding. I am a frequent flier of the no Vasaline club except I request the pills instead of the unthinkable. I cannot even swallow the first sip without rejecting it. As far as the blood work goes I'm right with you. Don't think you are going to rack up $1000 in lab charges when nothing changed from the last draw! I dictate what I will and won't take orally as well as physically. You know there is a diagnosis used for noncompliance and it will be in your chart! We need the "stand your ground law" in these hospitals(no guns, just standing your ground) shrugs, ijs...

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  3. Don't sweat it, girl. I had to have the combo package (endoscopy / colonoscopy) a few months ago. The prep is the worst part. The actual procedure is a breeze (hey, you're asleep).

    Some will find this hard to believe, but I'm a model patient. However, if I'm advocating for a patient (a family member, for example), I'm a freaking nightmare.

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    Replies
    1. Knowing you as well as I do, MZ, that last part doesn't surprise me one bit. Southern manners meet Mama Grizzly.

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  4. Oh I hate the prep for this kind of test...I had one a couple of years a go. Hope the news will be good. :)

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  5. Tests went well. Had an EDG as well. Thank you all for asking.

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  6. First, you have my sympathy, and I'm glad to hear everything went well. They have to empty your gut, so that if they have a misstep, that stuff doesn't get into your system and poison you dead. But it's definitely no fun.

    I'm a Jekyll and Hyde patient, I guess. Within most parameters, I'm cowed and cooperative. But when I tell a new doctor that I can't do throat cultures, they always smirk and think I'm being a baby, when in fact, having anything in my throat like that causes me to fight like a banshee. I thrash and bite and fight for my life, all beyond my control. So it irritates the hell out of me that they treat me like I'm just being stupid. Still, I won't let them do it; they probably like their fingers still attached.

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  7. Eek. Hope that's all over with and you're relaxing now.

    I might have a similarly annoying story to tell in about five weeks after I give birth...

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    Replies
    1. Should we pray for the staff? ;->

      I'm good. Thanks.

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  8. I've been in the hospital for about two weeks and yes the nurses and their constant need for blood is beyong annoying, especially when some cannot even draw the blood quickly and expertly.

    However, I really didn't object to much, accept the light everyone kept wanting to shine in my eyes,
    there I put my foot down.

    BE well.

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  9. I see the test went well. I'm glad! Sending my sympathies, though. I had this done four years ago for my 50th birthday. So VERY glad I was given the all clear until my 60th. I confess I'm a pretty good patient...very agreeable and eager to please. But I don't blame you for that blood thing!

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