Friday, February 1, 2013

Day 2 Part II

Find part I here. Reminder: For today's exercise, participants are asked to examine the following areas of our lives using the following questions. For each of these specific areas we're to answer these two questions:

1.What do I LIKE about this area of my life?
 2.What do I DISLIKE about it?

Health

Last year I opted for  health coverage that rewarded me for being healthy. I had to meet five areas of criteria: BMI, cholesterol level, blood pressure, mental health and smoking. I met all five. I enjoy lower co-pay for doctor visits and no deductible or out-of-pocket cost-share. My qualification form is due in March. I eat right and exercise and my plan is to do even better with both. I will qualify for again.

What I dislike is that I have not reached my weight goal. I qualify for my benefits but I know I need to lose more to and exercise more in order to keep the afflictions that have plagued my family at bay. Seriously, both sides of my family tree are riddled with chronic conditions, disease and early death. My goal is to stay above ground and live to actually be old.

Mentally, well, that’s why I’m participating in this challenge. I have been stuck emotionally and mentally. I’m not being my authentic self. I’m both afraid and excited to pursue my dreams. I want to write. I want to write professionally. I’m not an aspiring author. I am a reader. I am interested in supporting others. Running a non-profit and freelance writing are paths I want to explore.

Spiritually, I’m definitely not where I want to be. Felt far more centered and connected when I attended Quaker services. I stopped attending when my vehicle died. It’s time to find a new way to tap the Source within.

Family

Oh, so we tackle the doable first? Saved the real work until I was warmed up, eh? Now the rubber meets the road for me.

Well, let’s keep it real. No shortage of dysfunction in my family and no shortage of love and support. Growing up, I always knew I was loved and cared for. I joked that if I ever published a collection of work (poetry), I’d entitle it “Pimps, hoes and factory workers.” This doesn’t encompass all of my family, and I don’t want to impress you that my life was hard. Still, this does describe much of how I saw my family and the fiction they weaved for me growing up. Anyhoo, I love my family. And I know having them is more than many have had. I have never been alone. I have always known my family was there.

What I dislike is the dysfunction namely our inability to communicate when we really need to. I wish it didn’t take until I was grown to realize my parents really were doing the best they could. Now what hurts, I wish I were a better parent. I wish I had an inherent desire to be the parent my children want and need. I spent a lot of years in therapy and one of the things I struggled with was if I really wanted to be a mother. Well there it is in black and white.

I love my children. Children need more than my love and how do we define love between a mother and her child? My girls love me but it is no joke when I say we drive each other crazy. My oldest is twenty-seven and my youngest is seventeen.

The older they get, the closer we are becoming. My oldest is now mentoring teens and recently called me and thanked me and said she loved me. She said her current charge was a lot like her and now she understands. I hope she does, and if she doesn’t she has two generations to lean on.

Relationships

I have connected with some amazing women in my life. From teachers to school age friends and women I’ve worked with, I have been buffeted by a circle of women. I don’t buy the lie that all women are catty. The people who have always supported me, always had my back, have been women.

Men. For a long time I was the crash and burn queen. Call me slow but it took me a while to meet the right one and I found him when I wasn’t looking. Mr. is uber private so I won’t be sharing much about him. He’s mine and I am very happy for what we have.


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